I want to talk about something I've always thought was hilariously entertaining: the "what life is like before you buy this infomercial's wonderful product" shots you see on TV. They all seem to follow a similar pattern and I really have to give the commercial makers credit on how badly they skew how terrible life is without, say, the Magic Bullet. That takes skill.
Every "see? Your life sucks without this product" shot has a number of characteristics and messages that apparently everyone in the Infomercial guild committee meetings agreed upon. I'd love to be in those meetings. Each characteristic is just as ridiculous as the next and it really makes for one quality piece of the informercial. They are as follows:
1. Everything has to be in black and white...or some odd combination of dulled colors. Seriously, things always suck more without color.I mean, look at old television...and the wizard of oz. Everything got better (or at least had more singing munchkins) when color came in (another example: Plesantville). Message: life is so dull and sucky without this product, it's like your in 1950s television.
2. The worst possible outcome could and will happen - like creatively worst too because they are things that actually don't happen in real life but somehow this commercial makes it seem pretty common. Messy Tupperware cabinet? Every piece of Tupperware falls out on to you everywhere causing mass hysteria in the kitchen possibly leading to someone going to the hospital. Weeding your garden? You pull your back out because you're 75, weeding like one of those bird desk ornaments that bob into a glass of water, so you likely have to go to the hospital...or chiropractor. Having difficulty chopping those vegetables because of dull knives? Everyone at the fancy dinner party you're having is going to get pissed off and...put you in the hospital. ("Oh you hate uncleanly cut and squished tomatoes in your salad too!? LET'S GET HIM!") You have to spill on your nice business suit during an important lunch meeting (at which time you apparently ordered a foot long hot dog with relish ketchup...were you having your meeting at a ballpark?), you probably lost the big deal you've been working on all year and will get fired/evicted/homeless. Yes. Get homeless. Message: You're life is so terrible, stressful, and the worst thing imaginable will happen if you don't get this product.
3. You have to be in some sort of pain. Even if you're home office filing system is out of order and you spill all of your papers everywhere...you have to be not only in physical pain...but exaggerated physical pain - even if the product has absolutely nothing to do with preventing physical pain. Message: your life is painful without this product.
4. Everyone in the shot is seriously unhappy or even pissed off. The husband/wife, neighbor, mailman, all children, any animals, everyone. Message: people in before-product informercial shots live in misery.
5. No one before this product has any motor skills. Spilling, slipping, and accidents are frequent because they seriously couldn't hold on to a full gallon of milk. Garden hoses apparently have too much pressure and no one knows the finer points of flipping a burger or pouring anything into anything you meant to. Message: This product will enable your lack of motor skills?
6. After you spill/break/drop whatever, give up. Just throw/walk away from the mess of wires, pile of unfolded clothes, gallon of milk left spilling everywhere in frustration. Man you must be so sick of stringing these Christmas lights! Message: You've had enough! You're so ready for a change (i.e. new product)!
7. Over-use of red-X's. Your kitchen appliances, car, office supplies, rug cleaner, children, all crap. Everything about before is crap and should be Xed out in totality. Not to mention red Xing off the fourth payment. No one saw that coming. Message: Everything about what you're seeing is wrong. Like 4th grade math test wrong.
However, after buying the product...your life will be exponentially improved: everything's in color, people are smiling, things run so smoothly and well, you have tons of friends, saving all this money, people are nicer to you, you're getting laid - all because of a product that organizes your shoes conveniently in the closet. How can you say no? At least it's entertianing. I sometimes do wish life would be like the before-product informercial shot...wouldn't that be hilarious? If things got too bad, we could always pay 3 easy payments of 19.95 and begin our first day of the rest of our lives.
Anyway, in honor of the before-product informercial shot, here's this video that says it all.
Lolz, that video is gold.
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