I forgot I had this. Tom, I will be sure to use this more because you reminded me of it (seriously). Get ready for more glimpsing into my "inner world." I've had a few more years of life experience and a few less degrees of patience so this should be interesting. Stay tuned

Oh, Canada

Wait! How does Canada get to play on the playground before us!? ...orrr Canadians are just more wreckless with their children.

Burned

...no more words needed.

3-D Movie Experience

A few months ago, Angela and I headed to the movies to see "Alice in Wonderland." We had the option to see 3-D or 2-D. Obviously, you know the direction we went in. I mean, we live in 3-D, why not be entertained as such? We grabbed our snazzy glasses and headed to our 3-D adventure.
We sat down to the movie and low and behold as the movie got started, people were acting as if 3-D was this entirely new technology. There were even clever teenagers making comments about how the title was coming at them pretending to duck...how creative. Then others would tap their friends on the arm and say "Oh man, it's like it's coming out of the screen! DID YOU SEE THAT!?"...1.) Thats obnoxious if you're in a movie 3-D or no. No one is NOT watching the only light source in a dark auditorium that they paid 12 bucks for so don't ask something stupid like that and 2.)You're surprised? What exactly were you expecting in a 3-D movie experience? Apparently no one had gotten the prize at the bottom of the Cheerios box in the 90s or read those "exciting" 3-D comics in blue and red with the paper-cut on your ears style glasses.
I got to thinking...hasn't 3-D has been around for a while? It's having a movie-screen resurgence only this time, they've upgraded from blue and red to sunglass-style glasses. Although I think it still makes people look dorky. Stil, it's the same animal, just dressed up a bit...and I'm glad to see it's back. They advertise "also showing in 2-D" for most movies - that's for fools, I say.

Ok. Done.

The Epitome of Emotional Intelligence

This cracked me up. I can't think of a better way to break the news...Poor Janet. He totally captures how most guys feel. High five.

It's the Police! Yeah...we get it already

Have you ever thought about how ridiculous police cars are today? I'm sure you see them racing by you, lights flashing, at 95 mph leaving you behind in a cloud of dust/lights/curiosity. The police need to have something that sets their cars apart from others. Something that says "Hey! What I'm doing is important so get out of my way." I get it - you need to get to where you need to go because it's an emergency and you don't want to cause another accident - it's preventative and informative at the same time. But how did things get so far? So excessive? Let's take a brief look at the progression of the police light and, of course, ridicule.

It began with a single light mounted on the roof of the car. Perfect. It differentiates you from other cars - very straightforward and effective. Maybe too much like a lighthouse, I get it. So, maybe we need more lights. Maybe.

Next, the "light-bar" takes the stage. Ok. About 4 lights mounted on the roof and now we've added another color. Perfect! Blue and red lights flashing in bar form. Now everyone knows for sure you're not a normal car. You're a cop car. No one's getting that one confused. You can be easily seen in front of, behind, to the side, or anywhere around other cars. Job well done.


Next step up - a giant leap. Lights on the top of the car, in the headlights, on the sideview mirrors, the rearview mirrors, in the rear window, on the front dash; red, blue, white lights flashing at seizure-inducing speeds...really? That's just excessive. Get over yourself and tone it down six notches. You're more likely to cause an accident with that sensory overload pyrotechnic-like onslaught than to prevent one. Is it the ego? Attention-craving? Or did people really not see the other versions of cop cars? What's the advantage to having a Pink Floyd laser light show integrated into your car? I don't get it. I thought the light bar was more than enough but maybe that's just me...anyway...that's all for now

Back in Black (and White)

Now that my semester is coming to a close, I'll have more time to write to all of you about all the ridiculous thoughts and ideas I've been saving up since last November. Luckyy!


I want to talk about something I've always thought was hilariously entertaining: the "what life is like before you buy this infomercial's wonderful product" shots you see on TV. They all seem to follow a similar pattern and I really have to give the commercial makers credit on how badly they skew how terrible life is without, say, the Magic Bullet. That takes skill.

Every "see? Your life sucks without this product" shot has a number of characteristics and messages that apparently everyone in the Infomercial guild committee meetings agreed upon. I'd love to be in those meetings. Each characteristic is just as ridiculous as the next and it really makes for one quality piece of the informercial. They are as follows:

1. Everything has to be in black and white...or some odd combination of dulled colors. Seriously, things always suck more without color.I mean, look at old television...and the wizard of oz. Everything got better (or at least had more singing munchkins) when color came in (another example: Plesantville). Message: life is so dull and sucky without this product, it's like your in 1950s television.

2. The worst possible outcome could and will happen - like creatively worst too because they are things that actually don't happen in real life but somehow this commercial makes it seem pretty common. Messy Tupperware cabinet? Every piece of Tupperware falls out on to you everywhere causing mass hysteria in the kitchen possibly leading to someone going to the hospital. Weeding your garden? You pull your back out because you're 75, weeding like one of those bird desk ornaments that bob into a glass of water, so you likely have to go to the hospital...or chiropractor. Having difficulty chopping those vegetables because of dull knives? Everyone at the fancy dinner party you're having is going to get pissed off and...put you in the hospital. ("Oh you hate uncleanly cut and squished tomatoes in your salad too!? LET'S GET HIM!") You have to spill on your nice business suit during an important lunch meeting (at which time you apparently ordered a foot long hot dog with relish ketchup...were you having your meeting at a ballpark?), you probably lost the big deal you've been working on all year and will get fired/evicted/homeless. Yes. Get homeless. Message: You're life is so terrible, stressful, and the worst thing imaginable will happen if you don't get this product.

3. You have to be in some sort of pain. Even if you're home office filing system is out of order and you spill all of your papers everywhere...you have to be not only in physical pain...but exaggerated physical pain - even if the product has absolutely nothing to do with preventing physical pain. Message: your life is painful without this product.

4. Everyone in the shot is seriously unhappy or even pissed off. The husband/wife, neighbor, mailman, all children, any animals, everyone. Message: people in before-product informercial shots live in misery.

5. No one before this product has any motor skills. Spilling, slipping, and accidents are frequent because they seriously couldn't hold on to a full gallon of milk. Garden hoses apparently have too much pressure and no one knows the finer points of flipping a burger or pouring anything into anything you meant to. Message: This product will enable your lack of motor skills?

6. After you spill/break/drop whatever, give up. Just throw/walk away from the mess of wires, pile of unfolded clothes, gallon of milk left spilling everywhere in frustration. Man you must be so sick of stringing these Christmas lights! Message: You've had enough! You're so ready for a change (i.e. new product)!

7. Over-use of red-X's. Your kitchen appliances, car, office supplies, rug cleaner, children, all crap. Everything about before is crap and should be Xed out in totality. Not to mention red Xing off the fourth payment. No one saw that coming. Message: Everything about what you're seeing is wrong. Like 4th grade math test wrong.

However, after buying the product...your life will be exponentially improved: everything's in color, people are smiling, things run so smoothly and well, you have tons of friends, saving all this money, people are nicer to you, you're getting laid - all because of a product that organizes your shoes conveniently in the closet. How can you say no? At least it's entertianing. I sometimes do wish life would be like the before-product informercial shot...wouldn't that be hilarious? If things got too bad, we could always pay 3 easy payments of 19.95 and begin our first day of the rest of our lives.

Anyway, in honor of the before-product informercial shot, here's this video that says it all.